Please be aware this is actually not finished.
I knew the boys were there, I’d heard the squeal of the gate as they’d opened it. I’d watched them walk up the short steps that led to the front door. But I sat immobile on the bed. I wanted to see them, but I couldn’t bear the thought of it. ‘What would I say to them, what did they know?’ I hated the thought of explaining things, what if they didn’t know, how would I say it out loud? ‘What if they did know? What if they’d seen him, what had he said to them?’ The sudden image of them all talking, sitting in a pub, talking about me made me dizzy. I gripped the doona cover tightly and gulped air. Suddenly the room was spinning, I gripped tighter and squeezed my eyes shut, I breathed in huge gasps of air, trying to calm down. A sudden knock on the door dragged me back to where I was, the bed was firm beneath me and I felt the room slowing down. I opened my eyes slowly and looked around, everything looked normal. Another knock, “Come in,” I called out breathlessly.
Georgia opened the door and walked in. She looked at my face, and quickly came to sit beside me on the bed. “You ok?”
I smiled at her as she put her arm around my shoulders. “Yeah,” I said, “Just a momentary panic attack.”
Georgia nodded and squeezed my shoulders in a hug.
“Tim and Mark are here,” Georgia said softly. “Do you want to come down and see them?”
I took a deep breath. “Do they know?”
Georgia nodded, her brow furrowed slightly as her hand gently rubbed my back.
I looked down at my hands on my lap.
“Why don’t you come and talk to them Leash.”
I looked back up at my sister, her blues eyes filled with concern, “I just, what do I sat to them?”
Georgia smiled, “You don’t have to say anything you don’t want to honey, they’re worried about you.”
“They are?” I asked.
“Of course they are, they’re your friends.”
I shook my head, “I know it’s just,” I sighed again. “They’re his friends too, I don’t, what if – “
“Are you worried about what Byron might have told them?” Georgia asked.
I looked away from her and nodded.
“Alicia, come on,” Georgia stood pulling me by the elbow to stand with her. “You can’t hide here forever. You’ll feel better if you talk to them.”
I sighed again and shook my hair back out of my face. “You’re right.” I squared my shoulders and smiled at her. Georgia smiled gently back at me, taking my hand she lead me from the room.
I followed her down the stairs in trepidation. Georgia was right, I couldn’t hide from everyone, but that didn’t make me feel better. I was scared of what the boys might think, of what everyone might think. Worst of all I was scared of telling people, saying it out loud somehow made it worse. Like maybe if I didn’t say it, I could make it not true.
I’d spent the previous few days at my sister’s house trying to understand what had happened. I hadn’t heard anything from Byron since he’d come home from work, calmly tore my heart out and left.
I’d sat at the kitchen table for what had felt like days before his words had perculated through my dazed brain.
“I don’t feel like I’m growing where I am Leash, I need to figure out who I am and what I want.”
“Well ok Byron, we can do that, whatever you want,” I’d said stupidly.
“No Leash, we can’t,” was his response.
It was then that I lost my hearing, the whole world seemed to slow down, everything was a jumble of images I couldn’t understand, I know Byron said more, a lot more, but I don’t know what it was, I felt like I was watching a silent film, where you can see the characters mouth move and the words appear in subtitle, except someone had turned that part off. Eventually he stopped talking and suddenly he was leaving, I watched, numb, as my boyfriend left our house with a backpack and apparently no plans to come back. When eventually I recovered my ability to move, I called my sister and I’d been at her house ever since.
I walked into the loungeroom where Karen, Tim and Mark sat, with coffee mugs in hand, talking quietly. As I entered Tim looked up, “Alicia, he said. At the mention of my name Mark and Karen lifted their heads. Tim and Mark stood and both walked to where I stood nervously in the doorway. Georgia was still holding my hand, but she dropped it as the boys simultaneously reached to hug me. Their arms engulfed me in one giant hug. I reached my arms round both their wastes, my head on Tim’s chest. A few moments passed and the boys released me, they both stepped back and looked at me. Two bright blue eyes and two brown eyes, both filled with concern. I blinked and suddenly felt my throat closing. My eyes pricked with tears. I blinked rapidly, trying to hold back the tears, I could feel my breathing getting faster. Tim took another step towards me and placed a hand on my forearm. I glanced down at his hand, and felt a sob tear up my throat.
“Alicia, would you like a coffee?” Karen’s voice broke through my emotion, I swallowed the sob and turned towards her, breaking the tableu.
“That’d be great thanks Karen,” I gulped.
Tim had taken his hand away, but still stood close, Mark hovered nearby, I turned towards them both, smiled a shaky smile and indicated the lounges.
“Should we sit?” I said.
They both nodded and took the seats they had so recently vacated. I sat besides Georgia, she took my hand and squeezed it.
“So Mark, how’s class?” Georgia asked, turning her head slightly towards Mark, I squeezed her hand gratefully in return.
Georgia and the boys talked about Marks course for a while and I felt myself relax. Karen came in with my coffee and some biscuits and sat beside Georgia, she placed her hand briefly on my sisters thigh then leant back in the lounge. Taking my cue from Karen I leant back into the couch and closed my eyes, letting the conversation wash over me. They were talking about the people in Mark’s second year Tauts class.
“I don’t feel as old as I did last year,” Mark laughed. “They’re not so bright and bushy tailed anymore.”
“University’s sucking the life out of them and this one is glad about it,” Tim said.
